Finding Happiness

In Adriana Trigiani’s book Very Valentine the main character, Valentine, comes to realize that her fight to save her families shoe company is getting in the way of what brings her true joy–making shoes. She says, “The way I live from day to day in New York City suddenly seems ridiculous to me. I’ve mortgaged my happiness for a time that may never come. I love making shoes. Why does it have to be more complicated than that?”

I think about her words and compare it to my own life. I spent so many years thinking about leaving the classroom to become a reading coach, a college professor or something bigger. After three years of attempting to be a reading coach, I realize that maybe I too have mortgaged my happiness. I love teaching kids, and I love sharing ideas with teachers. I love collaborating with teachers. Why should I make it more complicated?

I am so thankful to be going back into the classroom where I can teach kids and collaborate with teachers.

Morning Coffee

Big, puffy, white clouds float above.
Little Thomas feet pitter patter below.
A lukewarm cup of raspberry delight coffee rests by my side.
Seems like a perfect place for a little writing.

I think I will always remember this summer as the summer I fell in love with the great outdoors. I hope that this summer is the beginning of a transformation. I hope that years from now I will look back at pictures pre-2010 and be able to say, “I don’t even look like the same person.” Physically, I never want to return to where I am right now. I’ve been running and cycling this summer and I feel young and alive. I feel like a kid again. I don’t want to lose that feeling. I want to enjoy life. Enjoy being outside. Enjoy being active. Enjoy my family. Enjoy my work. Just enjoy. Mentally, I want to continue to grow and change. When I think about the person I was 10 years ago, I am amazed at how much different I am. I’ve changed for the better and I hope to continue to become a better human being.

Random Thoughts – taken from my journals.

Today I pulled out my journal from 2005. These random thoughts were written on the plane ride home from Walloon Institute in Lake Placid, New York.

One thing that seems to resonate for me from all of the sessions and speeches and conversations is that we need to stop avoiding difficult topics and conversations. We need to be willing to open a discussion about things that are difficult to discuss. We need to LISTEN to each other.

The view out my window is mind numbing. I can’t concentrate on my reflections with the lights and darks of the cities down below. I want to know what the cities are. Is it NYC? How far do the lights go? Some of the lights seem to be floating above the ground. I can still see the sunlight on the horizon, but there is darkness down below. WOW!

My Favorite Things About Humphreys County

This post has been saved as a draft since November of 2007.  I almost deleted it, but decided I’d just finish it up and post it instead. 

 

The Two Writing Teachers Stacey and Ruth were inspired by Reflections from the Rockies, and I am inspired by them. Here are my favorite things about the county I live in.

1. Driving down Main Street. I keep thinking I am going to see Wally and the Beav walking home from school.

2. Eating at Michael’s Pizzeria where they let you eat and trust you to run to the ATM and back when you have forgetten your checkbook.

3. Going to the ‘walk-in’ to see movies. The Mi-De-Ga theatre is just as nice as those fancy ones in the city for half the price.

4. Going to the ‘drive-in’ to see movies. They have yummy food at the concession stand. The joy of wrapping up in a blanket under the stars on a cool fall evening to watch a good movie can’t be beat.

5. The walking trails and sidewalks. There are two great walking trails in town. One of them is at the park so the kids can play while I run. The other is on a very peaceful road with three lakes. The trail circles around one lake and has benches along the way that are great for resting and throwing rocks into the water. When Will has Boy Scout meetings downtown, I can have a great run along Main Street where the sidewalks are wide and the scenery is quaint.

6. Being close enough to the river that I can go whenever I want and sit next to the water.

7.  Waverly Cafe.  I love the food and the atmosphere is perfect.  It is a great place to meet a friend or group of friends for lunch or to take a book and read while you eat. 

8.  My neighbors.  Being able to call and know that someone will lend a helping hand when my car battery is dead or when I don’t want to drag the baby out of the house to pick the older kids up from school is wonderful.

9.  Safety.  I feel safe in Waverly. 

10.  Happy kids.  Last year was the first year that my kids went to school in the town they live in.  They are much happier having friends who live close enough to visit.  Having happy kids makes me a happy mom.

Be True to You

It’s my belief, after observing thousands of people in the past few years, that almost all of us would prefer to be with the people and do the things that are most meaningful in our lives. Yet so often we aren’t with those people… and we don’t do those things.

This comes from Meditations on Meaning I agree with Dan’s thoughts, and sometimes wonder why people choose to stick with things and people that they aren’t truly dedicated to. Wouldn’t it be better for all those involved if we would sometimes just admit, “Hey, I really don’t want to be here and don’t really want to do this. I’m going to go do something I really do want to do.” I think of the many times I sat with other moms at the ball field and suffered through what I felt were meaningless conversations about things I didn’t care about. I’m sure they were just as uncomfortable with my attempts to fit in as I was. I enjoy watching my son play ball even more now that I have decided to take my knitting with me and sit alone. I can concentrate on two things that I are important to me, my son and knitting, instead of trying to figure out how to fit into a conversation about material things like manicures and pedicures when really I see them as a waste of time and money. I like to believe that we are all happier with this arrangement. We are all happier when we are true to ourselves.

Week 24

I’ve been puzzled, perplexed and disappointed with my blogging for several months now. 24 weeks to be exact. I have let my blog slip away with only a few posts here and there for the last 24 weeks. Why haven’t I had anything to share? Why can’t I think of anything to say? Should I just quit trying? As I drove home from the grocery store yesterday, I found myself pondering these questions. The answer hit me right in the tummy. I realized that all my spare thinking time over the last 24 weeks, the time that had been devoted to thinking and philosophizing, has been overtaken by the baby kicking around inside me. I have spent all my alone time thinking about the little baby growing inside me and talking to her. So, will I write more now that I have made this discovery? I’m not sure. I think I may be ready to share my thoughts about this little miracle, but then again I might not be. I guess we will see.

Merry Christmas!

I know, I’m a little late in wishing you all a Merry Christmas. It has been too long since I sat down and added words to my blog. I’ve been busy enjoying time with my family. Tobi spent a week with a pretty intense case of chickenpox causing us to miss the last few days of school before Christmas break. Our shopping was easy this year, one day in Nashville took care of everything. The kids were excited, but I think we were as excited as them because we knew that they were going to love everything we got them. Every year on Christmas Eve Will and Tobi spend the night together. They take turns. This year they slept on Will’s bunk beds. When their footsteps came down the hall and into our room to wake us up, it was only 6:15. We rolled out of bed and follwed them into the living room to see what Santa had left under the Christmas tree. Will was surprised to find a Nintendo DS waiting for him. Daddy had him convinced that Santa wouldn’t bring one because he already had a Gameboy. Tobi was equally happy to find a fully accessorized iDog. They opened the presents we had wrapped for them and were excited with most of them. There was the disappointment of a box full of underwear and socks. Why I wrap those every year I’m not sure, but it has become a tradition. It wouldn’t be Christmas if they didn’t get underclothes. I put the turkey in the oven and began preparing everything to go with it. It was wonderful to know that we didn’t have to worry about being anywhere at anytime. Nobody was coming with plans of eating with us, so I didn’t have to worry about when the food was ready. It was great. When Bill’s parents and grandmother and my parents arrived, we were ready to visit with them and enjoyed every minute of it. It was a peace filled day spent with family. I hope you and yours enjoyed an equally wonderful peace filled day. Let’s all have a peace filled year.

Writer’s Notebook Wednesday! — On Thursday :)

Stacey challenged us to write about our writing. Truth be told, I don’t write enough. I like to write in my gridded Miquelrius journal and I like to use different colors, but the writing I do there doesn’t really feel like writing to me. It feels more like note taking. I guess you could say that it is a notebook full of research. For example, I can turn to my notes from The Southern Festival of Books that I attended in October and see that Jack Gantos said, “I always keep my journal on my lap when I’m talking to my mom because she’s lie a loose cannon. You never know what she’s going to come up with.” A quote that might come in handy if I ever get around to reading The Love Curse of the Rumbaughs and decide to write a review of it. I can also find notes from books that I am reading even though I do have a separate reading journal that I take those kind of notes in. I just don’t always have my reading journal with me when I sit down to read. I would like to get more organized and start using tabs in my journal to mark and follow the different threads in my thinking. I do use symbols some. For example, every Sunday when I begin my notes from the sermon, I mark them with a cross drawn right next to the date. I find that I am writing more in my journal than I ever have before. I’m working on my third journal at this point. I started this journal thing in 2001. It took me until 2007 to fill up my first two journals. I’ve been working on this one since July and have filled more than half. So, I guess I’m writing more than I ever have, but I still feel like I’m not writing enough. I feel like I need to be sitting down and putting my own thoughts on paper more than just taking notes about the world around me. Just the other day I wrote, ” Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.” in my journal. It was a quote from an e-mail sent to me. I’ve never actually wanted to be immortal, but I am beginning to feel like I would like to share my knowledge. So, I must find the time to go to my desk and write.

My Motivation Cabinet

A few weeks ago I ended up at an auction with my in-laws. I saw this china cabinet lined up with several others very similar to it. I thought, “That would make a great bookcase.” I pulled out my cell phone and called Bill to see if he minded me bidding on it. He didn’t mind, and a few hours later I was the proud owner of not only the china cabinet, but also a writing desk, and oak sidetable and a kitchen hutch. The china cabinet made its way into the room we call “the front room” and became the perfect home for many of my favorite books. I love having those books conveniently in the same place. When I need some motivation, I know exactly where to go and don’t have to dig too far. Today I went to that cabinet and pulled out a Jack Gantos book. It has been almost two years since I met Jack Gantos at the NCTE conference in Pittsburgh. His book, Hole In My Life had meant so much to me that as soon as I tried to speak to him, tears poured out of my eyes. I’ll never forget how kind he was and the gentle softness of his hands as he grasped mine and told me it was okay for me to cry. So, for today’s motivation, I turned to the worn out post-it notes in my autographed copy of this book. He signed “For Angela–’Books filled the Hole’ Jack Gantos. I would encourage anyone who has a hole in their life to find the books that will fill that hole for them.

On page 8 he writes,

Someone once said anyone can be great under rosy circumstances, but the true test of character is measured by how well a person makes decisions during difficult times. I certainly believe this to be true. I made a lot of mistakes, and went to jail, but I wasn’t on the road to ruin like everybody said. While I was locked up, I pulled myself together and made some good decisions.

I figure if Jack Gantos could pull himself together and become the award winning author that he is, I should be able to pull myself together and accomplish something. You can too. Later in the book he talks about finding graffiti on the cinder block cell wall.

I found the best line scratched above the mirror: WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE. That line from Cool Hand Luke said it all for me, whether I was talking to myself or someone else. Some wit had carved it into the cinder block so that each time he looked in the mirror he reminded himself that the biggest failure in life is self-communication.

So to sum up my thoughts for today:

1. find books that motivate you and fill your holes.

2. make good decisions even in the tough times.

3. remember to communicate with yourself.

WN Wednesday

I can’t believe it is already Writer’s Notebook Wednesday again. I just happened to be in a 1st grade classroom this afternoon at journal time. The students drew a picture and then wrote a sentence under it. I took the opportunity to pull out my journal and share it with them. I showed them that I too draw pictures in my journal and then write about them. I didn’t realize until later, that this would have been a good opportunity to talk to them about why we sometimes draw pictures in our journals. The entry I am going to share with you today is from last August. I wrote it as we drove home from Indiana after my grandfather’s funeral. I drew the picture because it was a visual that I just couldn’t get out of my mind. I wanted to capture it. I took a few pictures of my journal for this post, but I can’t get them to upload. Maybe I can get them posted in a few days.

8/9/06 As we followed the funeral procession from the funeral home to the cemetary, I watched the fields of corn and soybeans pass by the window, my mind racing with thoughts about my patriarchal family. The certainty that it would probably be the last time I would see all of my cousins in the same place at the same time pressing down on my heart. I felt like the glue that had always kept me attached to my extended family had dissolved and that if I wanted to remain attached it was up to me. The cornfields reminding me of the summers spent travelling from home to home. I noticed in one field of soybeans stood a single stalk of corn. It struck me as funny, that one stalk of corn surrounded by rows and rows of soybeans. I imagined a Walt Disney Pixar film featuring Corny the Cornstalk who doesn’t understand why he is different from everyone else in his world. I wasn’t sure where the plot would take Corny, but I knew he would be a great lead character. It wasn’t until later when we headed South on Highway 13 out of Swayzee that I realized Corny was the summarization of my feelings throughout the day. Out of place but surrounded by similarities. Different yet belonging.

I was reminded of this journal entry when Ruth described the beautiful landscape of her part of Indiana to me. Thanks, Ruth. I needed to be reminded that I need to muster up some glue.